Gah... I haven't updated this in forever. I look back and continually realize how much I've changed in almost a year. Not like anyone reads this, but I feel it should be updated to some degree.

I do still draw. I just don't think I have anything worth putting up quite yet. I've gone through this argument with myself about what I would consider art. I see a lot of other works that I can immediately identify as art or photographs, but I have a hard time defining what works of mine are more than doodles and snapshots. Plus I'm lazy.

I'm working in the theatre in my community college now and have taken a particular shining to working as a stage manager. It is really like everything I enjoy doing. It drives me crazy while I'm doing it but when I'm done, or nearing completion, I look back with pride. I hope to continue on as a stage manager. I also want to work as a roadie... now it's just a matter of learning and getting my foot in the door.

I'm no longer taking Zoloft as I briefly mentioned in a past journal and am glad for it. I didn't see the problem at the time but it not only took away the anxiety, it took away what little emotion I had. It basically turned me from Spock to a robot.

I have recently taken up a fascination with the intricacies of human sexuality and the social complexities of people. I am trying to conduct myself in an observatory manner but find that it is only feeding into my own social insecurities so I have been attempting to branch out as a participant in the social activity but am now finding myself with a problem.

As someone who has a general distaste for uninteresting people ( people I can't discuss everything with) it makes it really hard for me to attain good friends that are treated as more than acquaintances. The few people I have as close friends are all in different states with their own thing going and the people that are of good prospects are to busy as well. This has only left me with that lonely feeling and I find it very unpleasant but am numbing up to it quite nicely.

As for sexuality, apparently I am a big question mark to those around me. I compliment both sexes, occasionally quipping in with some 'tongue in cheek' humor appropriate to the conversation or a fact that I have observed/ found, and that seems to confuse the goodness out of my subjects. They have to ask me " So what's your sexuality?" I tell them I don't know because that's the truth. I don't feel a need to have sex and don't have any lustful feeling behind my facts, jokes, or compliments. I have tried to describe myself as asexual, but all that has gotten me is a mocking laugh and a series of bemusing statements like " So do you reproduce by mitosis?" But then I tell them that it's those comments that make me imagine myself stabbing them in the neck with a pen. They usually move on after I say that. Must be something in the inflection.

It really doesn't help that people are consistently questioning my sexuality with my gender identification issues playing almost consistently on my own mind. But that's another kettle of fish that is hard to explain. To put it simply: I have realized that it takes more than a penis to be a man. And that I would make a good husband if it weren't for my stupid female genitalia.

I also have this daunting feeling that I am going to be famous one day. I can only hope that it isn't for something bad or distasteful like murder or genocide. I have this wonderful image of me being interviewed. I think I would make a terribly amusing person to interview.

At this particular moment my mood is a bit down. I don't think I am depressed but I am sort of floating in the ether. I just got back from a really fun vacation where I lost my heart, San Francisco, and then caused a huge fight between the females of my family due to my lacking in the luck and ability to shut up department. I am now bored, sufficiently alienated the few people that talk to me consistently and realized I have no one to talk to, where I can say everything, within the same state.

To sum it up: I've grown a lot, learned a lot, and don't see an end to that. I hope I've updated sufficiently.